I am writing today about my Grandpa. He is quite simply the most amazing man I have ever known. He was a Dad to 11 kids - 12 counting me!
My mother was unable to take care of me so my grandparents took custody of me when I was 6 months old. At age 12 they thought they should adopt me - more for legality issues - They never wanted to take the title of parent away from my mom - but for everyone's protection they adopted me.
I love both of my grandparents like they were my parents (maybe a little more than most kids) - Sadly I lost my grandma 12/31/06. She was sick for a while - but was doing better, she went into a medically induced coma and died peacefully in the night. The process before hand was very hard - weeks of hospital visits filled with hope that she would get better -
tears - begging her - making deals with God-more tears -pleading - desperation - tears - heartache
I spent Christmas morning sitting next to her in the hospital - a small radio behind us tuned to 106.7 - playing Christmas music complete silence in the room other than that
I held her hand - I was so devasted- but I knew she would never be coming back. I told her I was sorry for all the times I hurt and disappointed her through my teenage years- I told her how she was my hero - how much I loved her how much EVERYONE loved her - I didnt want her to go - but I knew it was not my choice - and I understood that
That evening we gathered at my uncles for Christmas - we had to put on the happy front for the kids - but everyone knew - it was an unspoken understanding that we will lose the woman who has kept this nutty family together for the past however many years
We promised her to NOT FIGHT and to watch after Grandpa - we knew he'd be lost. We would be there for each other and be strong and get through this
and we did - with almost no fighting
We were more than there for Grandpa - we sometimes bordered on being stage 5 clingers with him
We wanted to hold him so tight so that he would never be sad and we felt like we needed to hold on to him much more since we lost her
Everything we did was to make him happy - We vacationed with him - went to his favorite restaurants - called him to come to every time one of our kids took a poop (kidding, kinda)
He loved every minute of it
So 5 years has gone by .....
I feel like I have dejavu
December 1st 2011 - Grandpa suffered a massive stroke
he hasnt woken up
We are at his side - round the clock in his hospital bed
tears-begging him to wake- tears - praying he comes out of it - tears- losing hope- tears-desperation
Am I jaded from my experience with my grandma? Why do I feel my faith/hope slipping away? I am trying to be strong for those around me - but why is so much harder this time around?? -
I am just kind of blogging my jumbled thoughts right now - I apologize if this is all over the place
Please keep my grandfather and my family in your prayers - I am trying to stay positive and trying to keep my faith up - but its been very hard for me.
